I’m probably going to get slammed for this post , but I said I would be honest and I will be , I will blog about relatable issues and comment how they affect me in my life.
autism parents have some issues that can’t be remedied, there is no quick fix it just takes durability and the ability to be real , just because I blog doesn’t make me exempt to any issues other autism parents face , it just means I willing to share my open feelings about them and I’m sure there will be people that can relate .
the title here is hard hitting yes, but for me it sums up our situation and many others Divorce rates are very high for couples who have children with disabilities for a multitude of reasons , your lives are highjacked you loose the beauty of the unknown, you can’t just wing it in a relaxed way and see what happens , love isn’t always enough , the emotional strain on you as a couple consumes you , You have between you an unknown quantity that you both may have different ideas about, it never goes away , you don’t just stop being stressed out or busy and time doesn’t just appear , I think you see each other differently as you feel each other’s worry, it doesn’t always unite you , you do find your way and you fight for an exsistance in your own life, in your own head let alone consider your husband or wife , and yes you can sit back at calmer time and evaluate and observe and plan how you can be ,but autism changes your relationship goals, plans, and how you are as a couple as you are not ever able to not put it first .
there are also the fact that mums and dads have different emotional attachments to their children ,Autism or not the roles are very different , children seek and receive very different things from both parents , for us because Autism requires us to be consist a lot of clashes happen, as naturally there are different parenting styles ,and with autism you have to be transparent , I think it goes without saying ,and I’m not sure what the answer is here, but the strain long term is bound to cause resentment, I feel hence the title of this blog , you just have to decide to accept that your plan in your head probably isn’t going to happen, and take a new direction or give up .
i read a lot of blogs about the difficulties of parenting and the strain it can cause on relationships, and I see it like this , Autism is a constant reliance of compromise between parents, and if you get it wrong it can have extreme consequences on the child , we haven’t got to the point yet where we can take the time to analyse our relationship, and what autism means for us , we’re just busy exsisting for now this works , to be honest I’m ok with that , it’s very real to say right you know all those plans we made , There not happening now , that’s depressing I’d rather wait and see and be conscious that we make the best of what’s on offer .
I can see how relationships break down I totally can, as there's resentment even when working together , especially if one parent is a stay home parent It feels like the other one gets the fair weather !
Through a few blogs I’ve noticed most people all say the same , Theres always one that will say oh we’re super close since our diagnosis and that’s great , I’m not jealous! for us it’s bought reality , long term worry and stress we both share but react differently, and at times we’re intolerant of each other despite still working together , it’s just another hurdle , as for us we are very real, very in the moment no myths about Autism here no comforts , we deal in truth keep it real , it’s lifelong so we have to plan there’s no cure, we have to accept , I think accepting that I wouldn’t have more children was a turning point for us , as I realised that actually it was in fact only me that did want this after Autism , Autism or not I wanted more but I felt this way alone , I respected it but it was a big reality check , our autism journey hasn’t always been equal and I’m resentful for that and that’s my truth , I did carry it all, I attended every meeting alone , suddenly he was very busy and maybe he was! Or maybe it was too real , he wasn’t unsupportive he just wasn’t there , I do recall this being partly my fault as if I went to meeting alone I could retain control , which yes was selfish but we defiantly didn’t begin our autism journey evenly .
Autism tends to have dramatic effect on any social aspects of your life also , were not big party animals but we can’t have too many visitors now, and none in the evening which we enjoyed before meals with friends , this stopped we did replace this socialising through support groups and meeting other ASD prents but it’s not the same , old friends remain but visits are less often , we have restrictions now we’re not as free, so those mutual relationships you kept can get diluted, and what you became about as a couple becomes a memory, and I suppose in a way you begin a new relationship based on something you didn’t sign up for ,there’s bound to be a few tears!
our relationship is under constant strain daily Autism parenting and parenting two other kids is hard , he works , I work from home , I spend a lot of time with the children and run the home, he manages to keep us all fed those balances are all in place but we don’t work as well as we should as a team ,we are in fact very different , Autism is very ridged but I think you have to forward plan practically and emotionally as much as possible, and literally go day by day there is no rule book , I do find comfort in the fact lots of other autism parents are going through the same thing , it’s not comparitable to anything else you can’t talk to friends about it unless they can relate to it as it’s a unique situation , for me even when I see my closest friends, I feel estranged from them I feel removed , I know they understand my position and I know they care for me , but there’s something about other ASD parents a connection, they too carry this deep routed fear that you can’t explain unless you have it yourself , it’s unspoken it binds you , I feel supports are vital through chats online to groups to charities there’s no need to feel alone .
Have a little look at your own support tool box, is it full enough ? If not get networking the internet makes the world reachable , join a group online , I have made many supports this way , I’m building on mine daily 💙🌟🌈
i do feel estranged from non autism parents at times , here’s some further reading if your not depressed enough yet 😂