Long term exhaustion
Do you know what I’m going to admit defeat I’m absolutely mentally and physically exhausted , I’ve woken feeling less than my usual self a little bit moody ,and have a bad cold and headache, I’m really going to take my time today , we had decided that one day back at school for Oscar would have confused him, so we kept him back until Monday , the school understood that’s the beauty of special school , some kids it doesn’t bother but oscars been a little under the weather, also and we just felt him not at his best to go for one day isn’t worth it for him, so we will start on Monday , that gives him the best start to the week, he slips quickly into the routine after a couple of days and I’m prepared for a fight Monday morning , it comes with the territory and although I will do a social story for him over the weekend getting him into the car Monday morning and right up until he is in his classroom isn’t going to be pleasant .
once he’s in he’s fine as long as he doesn't see me leave , he really struggled with transitions and saying goodbye also , at home oscar doesn’t always want me around but he seems comfort in knowing I’m close by , I think goodbyes are too final for him , if he can’t see me hes fine.
Autustic kids don’t also learn that lesson that adults come back, and for me why would I upset him making him say goodbye to me , he doesn’t understand I’m coming back , but if there’s no event pointing out the goodbye he’s totally fine, when I’m not there, and although I’m his main career in some situations he manages better when I’m not around or he can’t see me, for instance his school play , I hid , he stayed on the stage and took part for 45 minutes .
I'm looking forward to routine again it sets him up properly to process what’s going on daily, and gives me a chance to get on with things I simply can’t do when he is around , I’m main career and I’m exhausted it’s 24/7 and I do need just some breathing space to plan and possibly do some housework , I’m really glad oscar loves school and his progress so far is amazing , I do actually think it’s unhealthy to be with your child 24/7 I’m not knocking home schoolers at all, hats off to them I couldn’t do it .
Oscar has friends at school which is just the best feeling as his mum, but ontop of that he feels he belongs which I literally couldn’t ask for more .
I'm going away this weekend overnight with my daughter the guilt is immense , I know he will be ok it’s 24 hrs ,but I still feel awful and will be texting his dad every hour to check he’s ok , my biggest guilt is going to bed and waking as both of these can be tricky if the timing isn’t right, and it’s something I do always! But I need this time with my girl as there’s guilt that end too, I want her to feel that I’ve knowhere else to be and the weekend is ours , in truth it’s very hard to manage guilt , guilt for Oscar , am I being proactive enough? , is he having enough therapy?, is he having too much? Is he socialising enough? Too much? Am I getting it right? Then guilt for my middle one, is he getting enough adult time?,enough input? Too much gaming? Then my eldest am I guiding her enough?
Honestly who said parenting was easy? And I’ve got bad roots! I must find that half an hour to colour my hair.
In summary I think we all have guilt, being part of support groups and groups to socialiseuou and your kids is vital , we can probably never be proactive enough that’s the truth but awareness is key , I feel I have that and I’m thankful, as I used to wish for normal worries such as these , in exchange for the big ones that have no real answers except wait and see , I think if you relate to this blog go check out family support in your area and a support group, honestly we do need each other , I’m defiantly richer for the support I get .
Here is a link to the family support for the Kent area from Autistic trust .
Steady your own boat first