I may appear to have my sh*t together, but.....
I blogged the other day about Christmas overload, facts are it’s really bad and although from the outside I may appear like I’m together , really I’m clinging on , so many barriers fighting his transport budget is just a massive pain in the arse, I don’t feel like I should justify my child’s needs but I do , his behaviour is even worse than last year and it makes me question everything this negative cloud sucks me in ,and I’m clinging on but I’m met by a child who I medicate because it’s unbearable to see him so distraught, other wise, yet it’s not working currently and all old behaviours have returned , self harm, control, screaming, demand avoidance, anxiety, it’s probably the worst it’s ever been , so we’re back to the drawing board, and I’m helpless , the consultants not returning my call so I continue giving him the drugs despite the fact that he’s still acting like a psychopath ! Within 30 seconds of being at school he had hurt another child today, and yesterday he hurt staff and three children ! he must be terrified and i don’t know what else to do to make it ok for him , I actually tried ignoring him last night and he did calm a little, I did step in when he was trying to smash a mirror and the tv with an oven spatula!
We began today with him being awake but laying as straight and ridged as a pencil in his bed face down and as I approached him he tensed more screaming no no , I thought perfect this is looking promising! In the old days we would have to turn the light on outside his room walk past a few times, then slowly open the door with me walking past talking to other people in the house, before I could enter , as a verbal warning that we are entering! It took forever and even then you may be met with a head but
This morning was much like that I literally could have held him at each end like a stick he was that ridged I could have picked him up like a pool cue ! I did a deep pressure massage we’re I work his tension out through his body out through the feet, he loves it and it did calm him, he let me pick him up and we began a very highly negotiated morning!
And it just makes me revert to my deep routed worries , what happens if he’s still doing this as he grows! There not going to tolerate him, special school or not!,they are just not, and the thought of anyone suggesting he goes to an even more secure environment actually cracks my heart in two, it’s such a worry for me as it’s all so unknown and from what I have seen so far this week! The kids uncontrollable when he flips it’s actually so bad it almost looks like he’s a child actor doing the unthinkable! I’m so anxious about his future, I’ve got to have a little word with myself the future is unknown and I’m putting in so much therapy but there’s no certainty that it will work! My son can’t cope with the world and we medicate but every now and then even that’s not enough it’s really aging me this worry!
I really relate to any parent who has long term worries, I also offer support to others as I do feel supported , but my worry I really have to rationalise ,which I think is a process , I need to get a grip
The constant worry of what happens when Oscar is an adult is always on my mind it’s not always worrying me , some days I’m optimistic others not so.........,
to be continued ............