When your Reminded that you do actually unintentionally put your Autustic child 1st,2nd and 3rd and you feel shitty about it.
So here’s the deal I was in Disney store the other day before the release of the film and at till point I was offered yet another cuddly toy for £10 of dumbo, and I thought immediately of Oscar because he loves them , didn’t think anything if it , while in town I did buy something for my other kids too, but soft toys are oscars bag so he had that , he was less than impressed, said big ears threw it behind him and I put it in his room , a couple of weeks went by and now it’s half term I thought I would take my older two kids to watch the film, leaving Oscar at home with nanny , they have both had treats this week, Lorcan a new bike and Orla a theatre trip, I’m really mindful to even my time out with them as it’s easy to just buy them things but it’s not the same as quality time with them, There great kids , but mostly Oscar takes the focus, firstly because he’s the youngest and solely dependant, and secondly because he’s my stalker! Autism, epilepsy and extreme anxiety mean he’s literally glued to me , my other kids are used to it they have adjusted , oscars needs to come to mind first in all situations, not because I choose that, but because his needs are the most pressing, they wont wait he won’t share careen with anyone else , I can’t reason with him .
Providing my other kids with the one to one attention they need and deserve, happens but it takes planning, the credo in this house is ,if oscar needs they step back, it’s hard but it’s the only way it works, an epileptic fit beats listening to someone reading , that still happens I make the time up , but it’s put back until I’m free, you can’t exactly say ‘hey epilepsy, you can have a fit later, I’m reading now sorry!’ And that’s I suppose it ,in a nut shell ,medical needs, do not wait, how we operate doesn’t make sense to most average families but we’re not up for judgement , it works for us and we’re functional , which hasn’t always been the case in the early days .
Autism will not wait , anxiety will not wait , and that’s why my husband works a lot!!!😂no honestly my other kids are amazing, but I feel guilty from time to time when I get simple reminders such as this..
long story cut short
We go to the cinema, nanny is watching oscar who is refusing to wear a nappy or be changed, and literally pissing all over the house!😂nanny’s working hard today!!! But I cut off I have my phone the scene is set drinks are made, change of clothes is ready , nappy’s, if willing are ready !!!! Toys are set up tv on and I’m gone two hours! I swear it took me longer to prep!
So we go off to the cinema , school uniform shop on the way another thing ticked off the half term list , while walking Lorcan says hey mum what if I see my mates from school, embarrassing! I said I’m not that old , do you not want to walk with me! He then feels guilty and holds my hand all the way proudly telling me he loves me I’m the best, which I think was because he felt bad ,which wasn’t my intention at all, but I proved my point as we did see a friend from school with his nan who then went purple💜 and did a cool head nod! No speaking between these two ,coolest dudes , one with nan, one with mum😂but there 12 ,just not really old enough in my book to go out and be cool , not just to hang out and be a pain in the arse, If it’s planned yes, if it’s idol time NO WAY!!
So we watch the film , walk home and I prepare tea all kids are calm, daddy’s on way home , Oscar in a nappy! And as I went upstairs to make the beds and draw the curtains , I quickly nab the dumbo and place it on lorcans pillow! I forgot about it
At bedtime I was tucking him in and his little face❤️❤️❤️❤️He said mum I loved the film so much, how did you know I wanted a teddy! and that’s when I felt proper shit in my gut, I will remember that feeling forever , I had bought that for someone who would happily wipe there arse on it ,and it sat in his room that’s dark all the time , and next door there was a little boy sleeping that would have loved it so .
I feel pretty shit as a mum about that! What an eye opener 💙💙💙