Sometimes us parents have some really tough calls to make and it sucks!
Feeling really bit gutted to be honest, I've had the beauty of experiencing all the firsts every neurotypical parents experience with my older children , and did I enjoy them enough? At the time yes ,but through the eyes of an SEN parent no, as we long for those firsts with all our children, they bring comfort, they validate us as parents, little reminders that our kids are where they should be developmentally but with special needs parenting nothing is given, you enjoy all the small things and you have to consider the needs of the child at all times and that might mean missing out on a key moment.
Oscar has his first sports day this week, he's still not great going into school after a year he doesn't mind being there without me ,but actually saying goodbye is emotional for him, so I just don't say goodbye, he goes in and gets on ,he gives me the look and I just slip away, once he isn't looking, it feels weird but it works for him, in my mind for sports day once I found out how the day was going to work I then knew I wasn't going to be able to attend, the day was made up of two parts snack time in the middle then an awards ceremony, all very special needs friendly but as soon as he would see me he would have wanted me ,and would have been waving and saying bye to everyone! As in his mind mummy means home time, so with this in my mind I spoke to his teacher and we agreed I wouldn’t attend! It was a really hard pill to swallow as Oscar loves sports so much and is willing to try everything ,and it just would have been amazing to take a little video and photos for his memories , but in order for him to do these things he needed me to step out , so I did it was hard, as I saw lots of other mums who have children in his class that are happy to allow mum and dad to watch with pride and still take part, I was asked that morning was I attending I said no, I immediately explained as I just felt shit about it, I spent the morning at home feeling really sore, and couldn't wait to go collect him , he did amazing and joined in everything winning a medal and I just couldn’t help thinking was he looking for me? As he’s not silly he must have seen the other mummies, another mum I know did take some photos for me which she sent through which I was so grateful for , I didn’t ask her too it was such a kind gesture , on collecting his teacher was telling me about how amazing he had done ,and I got a little tearful , not blubbing but choked up just because they had enjoyed it and we’re proud of him and it made me feel a bit irrelevant , they had taken lots of photos for me and even printed them off which was just so special , I wanted him to enjoy it and the evidence was there he had really enjoyed it .
A couple of other mums had made the same choice as me to not go , even though they wanted to , it’s a really hard reality to face that your child sometimes needs you to not be there , I have decided next year to wear a disguise 😁 WIN/WIN
There's loads of tough calls as a special needs parents we have to make, and it can suck sometimes ,but we have to follow your gut feeling about our child's ability to cope, in order to achieve, negative experiences are not forgotten easily if at all, and for us we consider how Oscar will experience things first then plan around that, sometimes that's cutting ourselves out if the enjoying part of his achievements .
I hope I don't have any tough decisions to make any time soon the sports day scenario did dredge up lots of mum guilt for me that I'm working through .