I'm must live until I'm 107😁
I had a bit of a health scare recently I had a dodgy mole on my neck, I had never noticed them before there are two side by side, they have become raised sore and on Saturday last week one started bleeding, so freaky!!!! I freaked out I didn't even think about putting suncream on my neck before.
I have read about moles changing as you get older! This isnt something I'm willing to wait around with , so I booked privately at the cost of £220 I was seen on the Tuesday the doctor checked all my moles and wants to see me again in one month ,once they have healed, I'm thinking I really want to live a long healthy life ,I'm going to get myself a full MOT to keep I health a priority, things regress over time lately my eyes have been going a bit blurry when reading, I'm just going to start putting my health at the top of my me list to ensure I live till at least 107😁
All of the above should go without saying but special needs parenting means you run on a different energy ,you become accustomed to living cautiously, everything is fast you have to be on your toes day and night ,and there's a deep level of unknown mixed with fear and worry, and pressure that you just learn to balance, It's aging!
I begrudge that part! I know I look like a crack head most days, I'm not sure my brain actually ever switches off, for me I can have a fairly easy week, the routines starting to click we have a somewhat happy house, and Oscar can have an absence or an out of the blue meltdown ,or theres a hurdle and it just drags you back, to the reminder that you cant ever let your guard down, your always going to have worries that other parents don't, your always going to have that appointment in the diary that you are dreading ,because they want to discuss things you don't want to talk about, usually it's what your child struggles with, it a takes its toll.
Don't get me wrong we are moving forward we are making our own progresses, and for him on his journey he's doing amazing ,and we are so well supported ,we really are I just feel emotional and aware that stamina wise I must prepare and consider that this is probably my life now forever.
I'm coping ,I don't feel overwhelmed like I did before and I'm only human, I'm bound to have times were I struggle emotionally.
We recently found some old videos of orla and Lorcan its like another life, I wish I had enjoyed it more, not because I want that life back at all ,but it was stress free, they had health and freedom, id like to think that we can get to that level with oscar at some point No alarms. Less of a rigid routine.
Currently Oscar is slowly allowing himself to explore a bit more of the world ,and its opening up for him, he is still very mood less and impulsive, but his confidence is growing, just this weekend he went on a see saw. They move!!!! he would never have done this before, he also went to a play park he hadn't been too before and enjoyed climbing, he also has been to a giant bouncing pillow, which I didn't think he would go on ,but he did go straight on for a bounce, he quickly got off again, but he didn't refuse, he also held an Ice cream lolly and was very chuffed about it ,he also licked it, with no prompting , which considering he has a huge issue with food and textures and is under feeding clinic, he only eats bread or toast its very stressful, when bring peg fed is discussed!
Do bit of a low mood currently need to cover myself up, everything feels hard again the big stuff that is, its probably because the small stuff seems not too stressful gives me room in my head to reflect, I wasnt ready for the videos, obviously I love to look back and relish my babies when they were small, I just had no idea what it would dredge back up for me, I'm now rebuilding my wall emotionally its the only way to move forward